He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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