I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
