turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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