never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
