I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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