im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
