pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
