He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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