i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
