i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
