So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
