I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
