Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
