That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
