Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
