you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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