The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
