you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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