How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
