the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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