we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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