He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
