Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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