He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Found the puke drawer
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
