She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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