turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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