if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
