dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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