I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
