So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
