Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
