I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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