I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
