So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
