I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
