He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
