I think my fart just growled at me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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