in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
