Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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