My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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