I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
