We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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