she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
