Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
