just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
