I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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