i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
