I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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