I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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