Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
